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Follow me to my new blog, at http://adhdangel.blogspot.com !
I'll still be posting in this one, because this blog is my top-secret blog... but I will probably post in the new one more often since it is at Blogspot with my other blog!
yeah I have like forty blogs now...

With love, from Angel
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Angel Is Sorta Better

Dear everyone,
So I am doing sort of better except I keep having nightmares about dead animals. I was once told that crossed-over pets sometimes visit you in your deams, but I'm pretty sure it isn't actually Chopper visiting me in these dreams, because if it was her she'd be healthy, and these dreams are more like nightmares. In one dream, Chopper was so sick she couldn't move, and then a tiny, adorable kitten walked up to her and stsrted scratching her, leaving mean bloody streaks on her chest and paws.
In another dream, I was taking care of a sick black cat and trying to nurse it back to health. Then I turned around and saw that my supposedly healthy cat, Sammy-Joe, had died! I picked him up and tried to do some weird sort of dream-CPR on him, resulting in his coming back to life and puking out green caterpillars.
Last night was the worst dream of all. In it, my mom told me that she had stopped by the vet to drop someone off for some reason, and she had seen that Chopper was still alive! Apparently she had somehow survived the euthenasia and the vet people had been keeping her around. My mom told me that she started yelping and barking when she saw her. I started crying and told my mom, "If she's alive, we HAVE to go get her and bring her home. If she survived all that, she WANTS to be with us longer!" But my mom said, "No, she's still very sick. We'll have to go to the vet and have her put to sleep AGAIN!"
Its like some sort of bizarre PTSD!

Anyway... Other than that I am floating along safely. I've been ditching school way too much and I got told that in Spanish class (where I ALWAYS get an A on EVERY test) I will not be able to get anything better than a C because of how many classes I've missed. I asked if there was extra credit, and the teacher said NO, I've just missed way too much to be offered extra credit. Its like they hate you for not coming! I've been TRYING! Obviously, if I can get an A on every test, I do study by myself at home, right?
In math I am doing slightly better, although I barely EVER go to that class! Its so crowded you can't even get a seat half the time. So I just teach myself, using the tutorials on the computer, and I show up for the tests.
Plus in Literature I am getting A's on the assignments I do, but the group work is killing me! My group is idiots! I hate group work anyway.

And at work... I have been required to work EVERY day, including Saturdays AND Sundays, leaving me with VERY LITTLE free time to do ANYTHING! Bleh. I think maybe I will see if Alexander, Mandy and Sarah-Jo want to come to work with me this Sunday. That way I will be able to spend time with them and my work is pretty fun on Sundays... No boss, and all I really have to do is hang out, play a few games, watch movies, etc. Then maybe the NEXT Sunday I could bring Codie. I'm not sure it would be a good idea to bring all 4 at once. Ideally one or two at a time would be best, but I doubt either Alexander or Mandy would want to go unless it would be both of them. Hmm. maybe Alexander and Mandy one day, and Sarah-Jo and Codie the next? Or something? I dunno.

OK speaking of work I have to get ready to go there! Bleh.

With love, from Angel
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I miss her so much...
I have to be a normal person and go to work and go to school and do things and etc etc etc but in the back of my mind the whole time I'm ALWAYS thinking, "Chopper..."
I know its not normal.
I never said I was normal, did I?
All I know was, that beautiful dog was the best thing in my everyday life.
I love Sammy-Joe but for him everything has to be on his own terms... you can't just go cuddle with him because you're feeling sad or tired. If you're crying and you go up to him, he'll run away, leaving you crying even harder at having been abandoned once again!
And plus he can be mean. Like yesterday while I was watching TV he kept trying to hump my arm. He'd sneak up and straddle my arm, and actually bite my forearm the way boy cats do to keep the girl cat from running away. (Because in nature, girls DO NOT like sex! They basically get raped every time! Did you know that?) I had to shake him off, and every time I shook him off he'd get madder and madder and come try to grab my arm again! Finally I threw a blanket on top of him. That calmed him down a little.
He misses Chopper too... He is so BORED without her! I try to play with him, but I can't tolerate getting bitten and scratched all the time, whereas Chopper just bit and scratched back!
Chopper, wherever you are, I hope you come give me puppy kisses when I'm sleeping!

With love,
from Angel
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Sad Angel

I'm writing this entry as fast as I can because I wasn't going to write it because I'm too sad, but I decided to jot it down!
Yesterday morning we had to put my dog Chopper to sleep. She hadn't eaten in six days and was bleeding internally.
I went with my fdad to put her to sleep. I have never done that before. I was COMPLETELY traumatized... She was lying on blankets on the floor, and the doctor shaved her paw with an electric razor and then put the needle into her arm. She was watching the needle go in, and suddenly she just slumped to the floor.
Thats when I went crazy. I don't even remember... I just had a huge panic attack and couldn't stop screaming.

I was hysterical all day yesterday, and mostly spent the day and night sleeping, tranquilized by either Benadryl or Tylenol PM.

Now I am feeling OK but I didn't go to work. I slept until noon, thanks to the Tylenol PM!

Tomorrow I will have to venture back into the real world.

One of the worst parts is how confused my cat, Sammy-Joe seems! My dad had et Chopper out into the yard right before we left, and Sammy was begging to go out too. So he saw Chopper go out, but he never saw her come back in! When my mom came home from work she let Sammy out, and he started running around the back yard looking for Chopper. When he's been inside he's just been walking around the house meowing in a high-pitched way, like he's calling her.

Yesterday he, too, spent a lot of the day asleep in my arms.

I am so sad for him, because although I can rationalize that Chopper was very old and sick, and that she is now in Heaven with my other dogs and my bird... all Sammy-Joe knows is that his best animal friend is gone! In the seven years that he has lived here, he has never spent a single day alone, because Chopper was always there... and tomorrow, when I go back to work, it will be his first completely lonely day.

She wasn't just a pet to us... she was the BEST part of our world!

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Friday Chopper Update

Dear everyone,
Chopper is doing worse. She's completely stopped eating... she hasn't had anything but water and grass (I don't know why the grass) in the past two days. I've tried everything to get her to eat... even cooking for her... but she just turns her head away.
She's so skinny, I can feel her bones!
Yet I know its still not time to put her to sleep. How do I know? She still smiles at me with her teeth when I come home, and wags her tail. And she can still jump up onto her favorite spot on the couch.
If we have to put her to sleep I'm going to go with her and hold her...
but I REALLY AM PRAYING that she will just go naturally, in her sleep, with no assistance from the vet.
It is crazy that just two weeks ago I was finding out she had lymphoma. I thought I had lots of time to try to find a way to keep her well. But now she's literally just dwindling away!
I lay with her and pet her every chance I get. I cry myself to sleep at night.
I miss taking her for walks. I miss how excited she'd get when I got her leash. I miss how every day when I woke up, and every night before bed, I'd give her a treat... she knew the routine and would wait and beg by the cabinet. Her favorites were the special treats I bought from the "treat bar" at Petco. When she knew we had those, she would bark frantically every time I walked into the kitchen!
I miss her sleeping in my bed with me. I miss watching her play with Sammy, and then running proudly over to me once she chased Sammy away. I miss how happy she'd get when I gave her a new rawhide bone!
What am I going to do?

With love,
from Angel
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Chopper Update

Dear everyone,
The news is not good.
Chopper has been eating less and less. The dog who used to wolf down anything (including the cat's poo-poo) and was constantly begging at the table, now turns down even her favorite, liversausage. (Although this morning she did eat a few bites of my Cinnamon Eggo!)
She's also puking right and left. I got home from school at 12 today, and have spent basically the whole day on my knees, scrubbing pile after pile of puke off the rug. I also had to launder a throw rug because she got diarreah on it... So weird! She just squatted down and started pooping!
I refuse to give up hope though. I'm trying to make an appointment at a vet that does holistic work like acupuncture and stuff. I know it won't cure cancer, but there's hope that it could make her stronger... at least settle her nausea!
My prayer is that when she dies, she'll die peacefully, in her sleep. I've aldready decided that if we do have to put her to sleep, God forbid, I want to be there, petting her and holding her in my arms so she can spend her final moments on Earth with me.
But I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want it to be that way! If she has to die, I want it to come naturally, not be something we actually schedule... like, "Okay, today we're going to take you to the vet so you can die!"
I was planning to clean my room today... My new ADHD coach has been giving me some tips... but I don't want to leave her all alone down here, so I am just going to read and do homework down here in the basement until someone else gets home. Then I'll go do some cleaning.

I am falling into major depression. I am falling behind in everything, especially school! I am not even sure I'll get into the special ed program for next semester... But if I don't, I'll just transfer to DeKalb because their program is much more lenient. I shoulda chose Dekalb in the first place...
I'm losing my mind.

With love,
from Angel

PS Caroline if you see Johnny tell him happy birthday from me! ;) (A day late and a dollar short, but still...)
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Chopper Update

Dear everyone,
You'll be glad to know that Chopper is still doing great right now, and I am feeling much better myself!
You may think this is very strange, but you know I believe in this sort of stuff... Last night I consulted with a pet psychic. Her name is Tracy Ann. She is very reputable and I often listen to her radio show.
It was one of the weirdest things I had ever experienced. First of all, on Sunday I had gone to Walgreens to get my prescription filled, and I made an impulse buy... a big red flannel doggie bed. Chopper has never had an actual doggie bed. Actually she did have one when she was a puppy, but she ate it, and we never got her a new one... she always just slept on the chair, on a blanket, or wherever she wanted! I thought she might like to have a comfy bed just for her.
So last night the psychic tells me, "Chopper is showing me her bed. Its red. She says she likes it very much... its thick, and soft. She also says Sammy-Joe has been very curious about the bed and was standing on it."
Also, yesterday when I got home from school, one of the animals had puked on the rug. So last night the psychic said, "Did you find a small pile of vomit? It was Chopper."
She said a lot of other things too... she even mentioned a dog I had in Colorado when I was a runaway, a puppy named Hard Times who I only had for a short while because when I got caught for being a runaway they wouldn't let me take her with me! :( It was so weird because I hadn't even mentioned that dog to her, and I was asking about my dog Zip who died a long time ago, and she said, "I see Zip, but I also keep seeing another dog, a yellow dog." It was SO weird!
Anyway, the psychic said Chopper is in high spirits and not in any pain, and that this is only the early stages of cancer. She made a lot of suggestions for things I can do for Chopper, including giving her filtered water because our water has heavy metal in it, taking her to a holistic vet, and giving her white rice in her bowl when she won't eat. (I tried it today... Chopper wolfed it down!) She is also going to try doing some distance healing on her.
You may think that is so silly, but at least it is giving me some hope!
Okay, I gotta go now... I gotta leave for work soon! Bleh.

With love,
from Angel
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Its cancer.

I know everyone is sad when their dog dies... but she is a very special dog to me.

The first day I met her, my first dog, Zip, had just died from the same fucking thing. My mom had said we weren't going to get another dog at least not for a while, but for weeks I was very depressed and just spent all my time walking aimlessly around the neighborhood because I couldn't stand to be at home without Zip.

So finally she said we could get a new puppy. We went to the pound and we saw her, and at first we weren't going to get her because she looked too much like Zip. We wanted a completely different dog so it wouldn't be like we were replacing Zip. We planned on getting this one beagle that was there.
But when we went to pick up the beagle a few days later (we had already "reserved" the beagle) the beagle had inadvertently been given to someone else.
They still had that little black lab puppy though... the one who looked like Zip... and we had our hearts set on bringing home a dog, so we said, "LEts meet her."
When we had gotten Zip from the pound, she had been abused before and was terrified of people, so as we prepared to meet Chopper in person our mom told me and Jay to sit on the floor so we wouldn't scare her.
The pound person carried her into the room and set her on the floor. We expected her to cower away from us like Zip had done at first... but instead, Chopper ran fifty miles an hour in our direction, jumped into my lap, and sat there with a proud look on her face, looking at me like, "Well, THERE you are!"
We took her home that day.
Zip had never been a cuddly dog... although she had eventually gotten used to people and had shown love for us, and would be petted, she was always nervous around people and skittish, and sometimes even snapped. But Chopper was the opposite, the most cuddly dog in the world. Any time you sat on the floor, she would run and jump into your lap. When you lay down next to her, she'd actually put her arms around you and hug you, while squealing happily. Me and my brother used to sleep in the basement that summer because it was too hot upstairs where our rooms were. She would sleep on the fold-out cot in the middle of us. When we slept in our rooms, we fought over whose room she would sleep in!
She's MORE than a dog to me. In all my teenage years of angst and rejection, Chopper was never angry when I came home, she never yelled at me about my grades or my behavior, she never told me I was ugly, she never laughed at me... When she saw me, she was just happy and happy and happy.
When she was small, I carried her everywhere in my arms, until she got too heavy to carry at all.
When I ran away from home, the last thing I did before I left was give her an entire oatmeal cookie... what I thought would be my last treat to her. ANd when I eventually got caught, the only thing that got me to go home placidly on the plane with my parents was the promise that they would let me go to the house and see Chopper for a while before they delivered me to "lockdown."
Any time I've lived without her, I feel like I'm missing a limb.
I love Sammy-Joe very very very very much too, but its different. Sammy-Joe is my baby. Chopper is my air, my food, my water, my breath, my sun and my sky.

I want to die with her so she won't miss me.
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Angel's Dog

Dear everyone,
I am writing to ask for everyone to send positive thoughts for me and my dog, Chopper!
Yesterday Chopper was coughing a lot, and when I petted her I noticed she had big bumps on either side of her throat. So today I took her to the vet. He told me his first thought is cancer. He took an x-ray of it and tried to show me, but at that point I sort of stopped listening. I didn't want to listen to someone explain why they thought my doggie was gonna die!
Anyway he took a biopsy and is sending it in, and I'll know for sure on Wednesday or Thursday.
I am certain it van't be cancer. She is acting fine and feeling fine, and eating like normal. She seems like a perfectly happy, healthy doggie to me!
The vet gave me some antibiotics, and says it COULD just be an infection.
He was very pessimistic though. Why are they always so pessimistic? Is it because they're afraid they'll get sued if they tell you your dog will be okay?
I have been praying and keeping positive thoughts around her. I am trying very hard not to have any negative thoughts about this snd to keep telling myself, "She's going to be fine, she's going to be fine!"
I mean, I know she's 13 and she's going to have to die SOMEday... But a painful death from illness is not what I want for my sweet puppy!
Pray for me everyone... and if you don't believe in God, could you just pretend? Just this once? For her?

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Angel And The Oldsters

Dear everyone,
Well, I finally just got off of work today! I had a long, but fun, day! There is this one lady staying in the skilled nursing side for rehabilitation who just cracks me up! Her name is Ruth. She is a heavy lady with a gruff voice, and she always wears sparkly clothes and a hat she made out of cut-up beer cans! She is full of life, always hooting at the male staff members, poking fun at the residents, and making everyone laugh!
Also, today my supervisor asked me and this other activity aide to go up into the storage room to try to organize it and find some things. Organizing is going to take about fifty five thousand years, but we did find some really cool things!
For instance we found a huge stuffed panther (which looks sort of like the Pink Panther, but its red) and we adopted it as our mascot. We took it around to meet all the people on Skilled Nursing! They loved it... it made them laugh, and they all wanted to hug it and carry it around! We're trying to come up with a name for him!
And I found a huge box filled with musical instruments... the kind you would use with schoolkids! Plus four autoharps. I told my supervisor about them, and suggested we start a music therapy group. So, guess what? I am in charge of doing music therapy with the Skilled Nursing people once a week! I have to think of some things to do!
I can't wait till I have more time to explore the storage room and see what else I can find! (I think I even saw a record player!)

With love,
from Angel
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