Angel Was Here!

New Blog

2007-11-28T00:08:49Z

Follow me to my new blog, at http://adhdangel.blogspot.com !
I'll still be posting in this one, because this blog is my top-secret blog... but I will probably post in the new one more often since it is at Blogspot with my other blog!
yeah I have like forty blogs now...

With love, from Angel

Angel Is Sorta Better

2007-11-06T17:50:47Z

Dear everyone,
So I am doing sort of better except I keep having nightmares about dead animals. I was once told that crossed-over pets sometimes visit you in your deams, but I'm pretty sure it isn't actually Chopper visiting me in these dreams, because if it was her she'd be healthy, and these dreams are more like nightmares. In one dream, Chopper was so sick she couldn't move, and then a tiny, adorable kitten walked up to her and stsrted scratching her, leaving mean bloody streaks on her chest and paws.
In another dream, I was taking care of a sick black cat and trying to nurse it back to health. Then I turned around and saw that my supposedly healthy cat, Sammy-Joe, had died! I picked him up and tried to do some weird sort of dream-CPR on him, resulting in his coming back to life and puking out green caterpillars.
Last night was the worst dream of all. In it, my mom told me that she had stopped by the vet to drop someone off for some reason, and she had seen that Chopper was still alive! Apparently she had somehow survived the euthenasia and the vet people had been keeping her around. My mom told me that she started yelping and barking when she saw her. I started crying and told my mom, "If she's alive, we HAVE to go get her and bring her home. If she survived all that, she WANTS to be with us longer!" But my mom said, "No, she's still very sick. We'll have to go to the vet and have her put to sleep AGAIN!"
Its like some sort of bizarre PTSD!

Anyway... Other than that I am floating along safely. I've been ditching school way too much and I got told that in Spanish class (where I ALWAYS get an A on EVERY test) I will not be able to get anything better than a C because of how many classes I've missed. I asked if there was extra credit, and the teacher said NO, I've just missed way too much to be offered extra credit. Its like they hate you for not coming! I've been TRYING! Obviously, if I can get an A on every test, I do study by myself at home, right?
In math I am doing slightly better, although I barely EVER go to that class! Its so crowded you can't even get a seat half the time. So I just teach myself, using the tutorials on the computer, and I show up for the tests.
Plus in Literature I am getting A's on the assignments I do, but the group work is killing me! My group is idiots! I hate group work anyway.

And at work... I have been required to work EVERY day, including Saturdays AND Sundays, leaving me with VERY LITTLE free time to do ANYTHING! Bleh. I think maybe I will see if Alexander, Mandy and Sarah-Jo want to come to work with me this Sunday. That way I will be able to spend time with them and my work is pretty fun on Sundays... No boss, and all I really have to do is hang out, play a few games, watch movies, etc. Then maybe the NEXT Sunday I could bring Codie. I'm not sure it would be a good idea to bring all 4 at once. Ideally one or two at a time would be best, but I doubt either Alexander or Mandy would want to go unless it would be both of them. Hmm. maybe Alexander and Mandy one day, and Sarah-Jo and Codie the next? Or something? I dunno.

OK speaking of work I have to get ready to go there! Bleh.

With love, from Angel

Nothing

2007-11-02T02:18:35Z

I miss her so much...
I have to be a normal person and go to work and go to school and do things and etc etc etc but in the back of my mind the whole time I'm ALWAYS thinking, "Chopper..."
I know its not normal.
I never said I was normal, did I?
All I know was, that beautiful dog was the best thing in my everyday life.
I love Sammy-Joe but for him everything has to be on his own terms... you can't just go cuddle with him because you're feeling sad or tired. If you're crying and you go up to him, he'll run away, leaving you crying even harder at having been abandoned once again!
And plus he can be mean. Like yesterday while I was watching TV he kept trying to hump my arm. He'd sneak up and straddle my arm, and actually bite my forearm the way boy cats do to keep the girl cat from running away. (Because in nature, girls DO NOT like sex! They basically get raped every time! Did you know that?) I had to shake him off, and every time I shook him off he'd get madder and madder and come try to grab my arm again! Finally I threw a blanket on top of him. That calmed him down a little.
He misses Chopper too... He is so BORED without her! I try to play with him, but I can't tolerate getting bitten and scratched all the time, whereas Chopper just bit and scratched back!
Chopper, wherever you are, I hope you come give me puppy kisses when I'm sleeping!

With love,
from Angel

Sad Angel

2007-10-25T19:06:26Z

I'm writing this entry as fast as I can because I wasn't going to write it because I'm too sad, but I decided to jot it down!
Yesterday morning we had to put my dog Chopper to sleep. She hadn't eaten in six days and was bleeding internally.
I went with my fdad to put her to sleep. I have never done that before. I was COMPLETELY traumatized... She was lying on blankets on the floor, and the doctor shaved her paw with an electric razor and then put the needle into her arm. She was watching the needle go in, and suddenly she just slumped to the floor.
Thats when I went crazy. I don't even remember... I just had a huge panic attack and couldn't stop screaming.

I was hysterical all day yesterday, and mostly spent the day and night sleeping, tranquilized by either Benadryl or Tylenol PM.

Now I am feeling OK but I didn't go to work. I slept until noon, thanks to the Tylenol PM!

Tomorrow I will have to venture back into the real world.

One of the worst parts is how confused my cat, Sammy-Joe seems! My dad had et Chopper out into the yard right before we left, and Sammy was begging to go out too. So he saw Chopper go out, but he never saw her come back in! When my mom came home from work she let Sammy out, and he started running around the back yard looking for Chopper. When he's been inside he's just been walking around the house meowing in a high-pitched way, like he's calling her.

Yesterday he, too, spent a lot of the day asleep in my arms.

I am so sad for him, because although I can rationalize that Chopper was very old and sick, and that she is now in Heaven with my other dogs and my bird... all Sammy-Joe knows is that his best animal friend is gone! In the seven years that he has lived here, he has never spent a single day alone, because Chopper was always there... and tomorrow, when I go back to work, it will be his first completely lonely day.

She wasn't just a pet to us... she was the BEST part of our world!

Love,
Angel

Friday Chopper Update

2007-10-20T03:48:29Z

Dear everyone,
Chopper is doing worse. She's completely stopped eating... she hasn't had anything but water and grass (I don't know why the grass) in the past two days. I've tried everything to get her to eat... even cooking for her... but she just turns her head away.
She's so skinny, I can feel her bones!
Yet I know its still not time to put her to sleep. How do I know? She still smiles at me with her teeth when I come home, and wags her tail. And she can still jump up onto her favorite spot on the couch.
If we have to put her to sleep I'm going to go with her and hold her...
but I REALLY AM PRAYING that she will just go naturally, in her sleep, with no assistance from the vet.
It is crazy that just two weeks ago I was finding out she had lymphoma. I thought I had lots of time to try to find a way to keep her well. But now she's literally just dwindling away!
I lay with her and pet her every chance I get. I cry myself to sleep at night.
I miss taking her for walks. I miss how excited she'd get when I got her leash. I miss how every day when I woke up, and every night before bed, I'd give her a treat... she knew the routine and would wait and beg by the cabinet. Her favorites were the special treats I bought from the "treat bar" at Petco. When she knew we had those, she would bark frantically every time I walked into the kitchen!
I miss her sleeping in my bed with me. I miss watching her play with Sammy, and then running proudly over to me once she chased Sammy away. I miss how happy she'd get when I gave her a new rawhide bone!
What am I going to do?

With love,
from Angel

Chopper Update

2007-10-15T19:04:01Z

Dear everyone,
The news is not good.
Chopper has been eating less and less. The dog who used to wolf down anything (including the cat's poo-poo) and was constantly begging at the table, now turns down even her favorite, liversausage. (Although this morning she did eat a few bites of my Cinnamon Eggo!)
She's also puking right and left. I got home from school at 12 today, and have spent basically the whole day on my knees, scrubbing pile after pile of puke off the rug. I also had to launder a throw rug because she got diarreah on it... So weird! She just squatted down and started pooping!
I refuse to give up hope though. I'm trying to make an appointment at a vet that does holistic work like acupuncture and stuff. I know it won't cure cancer, but there's hope that it could make her stronger... at least settle her nausea!
My prayer is that when she dies, she'll die peacefully, in her sleep. I've aldready decided that if we do have to put her to sleep, God forbid, I want to be there, petting her and holding her in my arms so she can spend her final moments on Earth with me.
But I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want it to be that way! If she has to die, I want it to come naturally, not be something we actually schedule... like, "Okay, today we're going to take you to the vet so you can die!"
Ugh.
I was planning to clean my room today... My new ADHD coach has been giving me some tips... but I don't want to leave her all alone down here, so I am just going to read and do homework down here in the basement until someone else gets home. Then I'll go do some cleaning.

I am falling into major depression. I am falling behind in everything, especially school! I am not even sure I'll get into the special ed program for next semester... But if I don't, I'll just transfer to DeKalb because their program is much more lenient. I shoulda chose Dekalb in the first place...
Ugh...
I'm losing my mind.

With love,
from Angel

PS Caroline if you see Johnny tell him happy birthday from me! ;) (A day late and a dollar short, but still...)

Chopper Update

2007-10-09T16:37:26Z

Dear everyone,
You'll be glad to know that Chopper is still doing great right now, and I am feeling much better myself!
You may think this is very strange, but you know I believe in this sort of stuff... Last night I consulted with a pet psychic. Her name is Tracy Ann. She is very reputable and I often listen to her radio show.
It was one of the weirdest things I had ever experienced. First of all, on Sunday I had gone to Walgreens to get my prescription filled, and I made an impulse buy... a big red flannel doggie bed. Chopper has never had an actual doggie bed. Actually she did have one when she was a puppy, but she ate it, and we never got her a new one... she always just slept on the chair, on a blanket, or wherever she wanted! I thought she might like to have a comfy bed just for her.
So last night the psychic tells me, "Chopper is showing me her bed. Its red. She says she likes it very much... its thick, and soft. She also says Sammy-Joe has been very curious about the bed and was standing on it."
Also, yesterday when I got home from school, one of the animals had puked on the rug. So last night the psychic said, "Did you find a small pile of vomit? It was Chopper."
She said a lot of other things too... she even mentioned a dog I had in Colorado when I was a runaway, a puppy named Hard Times who I only had for a short while because when I got caught for being a runaway they wouldn't let me take her with me! :( It was so weird because I hadn't even mentioned that dog to her, and I was asking about my dog Zip who died a long time ago, and she said, "I see Zip, but I also keep seeing another dog, a yellow dog." It was SO weird!
Anyway, the psychic said Chopper is in high spirits and not in any pain, and that this is only the early stages of cancer. She made a lot of suggestions for things I can do for Chopper, including giving her filtered water because our water has heavy metal in it, taking her to a holistic vet, and giving her white rice in her bowl when she won't eat. (I tried it today... Chopper wolfed it down!) She is also going to try doing some distance healing on her.
You may think that is so silly, but at least it is giving me some hope!
Okay, I gotta go now... I gotta leave for work soon! Bleh.

With love,
from Angel

No

2007-10-05T00:54:23Z

Its cancer.

I know everyone is sad when their dog dies... but she is a very special dog to me.

The first day I met her, my first dog, Zip, had just died from the same fucking thing. My mom had said we weren't going to get another dog at least not for a while, but for weeks I was very depressed and just spent all my time walking aimlessly around the neighborhood because I couldn't stand to be at home without Zip.

So finally she said we could get a new puppy. We went to the pound and we saw her, and at first we weren't going to get her because she looked too much like Zip. We wanted a completely different dog so it wouldn't be like we were replacing Zip. We planned on getting this one beagle that was there.
But when we went to pick up the beagle a few days later (we had already "reserved" the beagle) the beagle had inadvertently been given to someone else.
They still had that little black lab puppy though... the one who looked like Zip... and we had our hearts set on bringing home a dog, so we said, "LEts meet her."
When we had gotten Zip from the pound, she had been abused before and was terrified of people, so as we prepared to meet Chopper in person our mom told me and Jay to sit on the floor so we wouldn't scare her.
The pound person carried her into the room and set her on the floor. We expected her to cower away from us like Zip had done at first... but instead, Chopper ran fifty miles an hour in our direction, jumped into my lap, and sat there with a proud look on her face, looking at me like, "Well, THERE you are!"
We took her home that day.
Zip had never been a cuddly dog... although she had eventually gotten used to people and had shown love for us, and would be petted, she was always nervous around people and skittish, and sometimes even snapped. But Chopper was the opposite, the most cuddly dog in the world. Any time you sat on the floor, she would run and jump into your lap. When you lay down next to her, she'd actually put her arms around you and hug you, while squealing happily. Me and my brother used to sleep in the basement that summer because it was too hot upstairs where our rooms were. She would sleep on the fold-out cot in the middle of us. When we slept in our rooms, we fought over whose room she would sleep in!
She's MORE than a dog to me. In all my teenage years of angst and rejection, Chopper was never angry when I came home, she never yelled at me about my grades or my behavior, she never told me I was ugly, she never laughed at me... When she saw me, she was just happy and happy and happy.
When she was small, I carried her everywhere in my arms, until she got too heavy to carry at all.
When I ran away from home, the last thing I did before I left was give her an entire oatmeal cookie... what I thought would be my last treat to her. ANd when I eventually got caught, the only thing that got me to go home placidly on the plane with my parents was the promise that they would let me go to the house and see Chopper for a while before they delivered me to "lockdown."
Any time I've lived without her, I feel like I'm missing a limb.
I love Sammy-Joe very very very very much too, but its different. Sammy-Joe is my baby. Chopper is my air, my food, my water, my breath, my sun and my sky.

I want to die with her so she won't miss me.

Angel's Dog

2007-10-01T21:54:57Z

Dear everyone,
I am writing to ask for everyone to send positive thoughts for me and my dog, Chopper!
Yesterday Chopper was coughing a lot, and when I petted her I noticed she had big bumps on either side of her throat. So today I took her to the vet. He told me his first thought is cancer. He took an x-ray of it and tried to show me, but at that point I sort of stopped listening. I didn't want to listen to someone explain why they thought my doggie was gonna die!
Anyway he took a biopsy and is sending it in, and I'll know for sure on Wednesday or Thursday.
I am certain it van't be cancer. She is acting fine and feeling fine, and eating like normal. She seems like a perfectly happy, healthy doggie to me!
The vet gave me some antibiotics, and says it COULD just be an infection.
He was very pessimistic though. Why are they always so pessimistic? Is it because they're afraid they'll get sued if they tell you your dog will be okay?
I have been praying and keeping positive thoughts around her. I am trying very hard not to have any negative thoughts about this snd to keep telling myself, "She's going to be fine, she's going to be fine!"
I mean, I know she's 13 and she's going to have to die SOMEday... But a painful death from illness is not what I want for my sweet puppy!
Pray for me everyone... and if you don't believe in God, could you just pretend? Just this once? For her?

Angel And The Oldsters

2007-09-29T23:35:45Z

Dear everyone,
Well, I finally just got off of work today! I had a long, but fun, day! There is this one lady staying in the skilled nursing side for rehabilitation who just cracks me up! Her name is Ruth. She is a heavy lady with a gruff voice, and she always wears sparkly clothes and a hat she made out of cut-up beer cans! She is full of life, always hooting at the male staff members, poking fun at the residents, and making everyone laugh!
Also, today my supervisor asked me and this other activity aide to go up into the storage room to try to organize it and find some things. Organizing is going to take about fifty five thousand years, but we did find some really cool things!
For instance we found a huge stuffed panther (which looks sort of like the Pink Panther, but its red) and we adopted it as our mascot. We took it around to meet all the people on Skilled Nursing! They loved it... it made them laugh, and they all wanted to hug it and carry it around! We're trying to come up with a name for him!
And I found a huge box filled with musical instruments... the kind you would use with schoolkids! Plus four autoharps. I told my supervisor about them, and suggested we start a music therapy group. So, guess what? I am in charge of doing music therapy with the Skilled Nursing people once a week! I have to think of some things to do!
I can't wait till I have more time to explore the storage room and see what else I can find! (I think I even saw a record player!)

With love,
from Angel

Commercial Break: Recycling Your Cellphone!

2007-09-29T23:23:11Z

The following is a sponsored post. Enjoy!
If you use a cellphone, you probably have a deal with your cellphone service that allows you to get a brand new phone every one or two years. With all the new technology available, and more things being invented every day, most people want to take full advantage of things like the newest camera phones, the newest phones that also work as mp3 players, the phones that play videos, the phones that work as walkie-talkies, etc.
But when you move onto a new phone, what do you do with the old one? It can be dangerous to throw away electronics in the regular garbage. And its nearly impossible to sell a used cellphone! Cellphones become obsolete so quickly, it may seem impossible to even GIVE your old phone away!
But you don't have to worry about accumulating fifty old cellphones in your junk drawer! Cellphones can be recycled in many different ways.
There are many different organizations you can donate your phone to. Often this is just a matter of depositing your old phone in a drop box somewhere. The organizations then either find ways to refurbish or reuse your phone, or they send it somewhere where it can be safely disposed of.
Used cellphones can often be refurbished and given to people living in domestic violence situations or people who have left abusive partners. Even cellphones with no service can be used to dial 9-1-1. (I found this out the hard way when Caroline's friend let Codie, then age three, play with his old cellphone. We thought this was harmless because she couldn't actually dial anyone, but before long I heard someone speaking to her from the other end of the line! The voice was saying, "9-1-1, can I help you?")
Other organizations collect used cellphones, and then take them to places that exchange used cellphones for cash. The organizations then use the cash for their own programs!
In fact, if you'd rather, you can trade in your cellphone for cash, too!
Check out Wirefly to find out more about your options when it comes to recycling cellphones!

Angel Gets Scammed In The Big City!

2007-09-27T23:50:30Z

Dear everyone,
Well, we have now established, without a hint of a doubt, that I have ADHD... NOT just low self-esteem or laziness as some naysayers want to insist! (Although I do have those things too...) I've just began going to the ADD Center in downtown Chicago. It is a short walk from the train depot. Although a two hour long appointment ends up taking me about six hours (because I have to walk to the train station, then ride the train into the city, then walk to the place, then walk back to the big station, then wait for the next train, etc, etc, etc, etc, etc...) it is worth it because it is a very good place. Its not just another doctor who wants to go, "Yeah, yeah, swallow this pill and come back in a month!"
Anyway. I kind of like having to venture into the city on a regular basis. I take my time and explore around a little on the way back. Today after my appointment, I had lunch in Jimmy John's, and then bought a book for five bucks in a small little book shop!
Eventually I was back at Ogilvie Train Station waiting around for my train to come. I was looking at all the little snack shops. Apparently I looked too naive cause this guy about my age came walking up to me.
He said, "Can you help me with something? I just got mugged. The police dropped me off here. The muggers took my wallet, my ATM card, my cellphone... I've got a black eye and I'm covered with blood, can you see it?"
(He did have a somewhat black eye and some blood spatterings on him...)
I was like, HMMM, who does THIS remind me of?
Plus I had actually heard from my big brother Satan this morning, he left a message on my voicemail saying this is the last time I will ever hear from him, because I never return his messages anyway, and he KNOWS Caroline has told me I can't see the kids if I talk to him (That isn't true by the way, but all the same, Satan KNOWS it!)
So I began to converse further with the troubled young man. The words could have been coming right out of Satan's lips. He said he needed to get back to where he lived in ROCKFORD of all places, and that he had been in Oak Park (OF course) when he got mugged. He spun the tale that the muggers had pretended to have a gun, but it had later turned out to be their fingers, and that he had called the cops and filled out a report and everything but since he didn't see the muggers at all there wasn't much he could do.
I said, "Rockford, huh? My older brother used to live in Rockford. Maybe you know him. His name is (Satan) but he goes by Westside."
The guy laughed and said, "Westside, huh?"
Then I gave him twenty bucks.
So he can go SMOKE ROCK!
Why did I do that?
Because a good deed is a good deed. I will go to Heaven for trying to help someone, and he will go to HELL for scamming an innocent young girl in the Metra!
I'm SO going to look for that dude next Wednesday when I go back for my next appointment. And when I see him, I will say, "So, how are things in Rockford?"
Ugh.
(Then again, I suppose it COULD have been a true story! Maybe I am too cynical!)

With love,
from Angel

Commercial Break: Credit Cards

2007-09-27T23:35:45Z

The following is a sponsored post. Enjoy!
Now that I have a job again, I believe it is time for me to try to act like a regular grown-up, and get a credit card. I don't want to use it to buy a lot of fancy stuff, but the benefit to having a credit card is that, if you pay your bill loyally, you build up your credit score. This increases your chances of being able to rent an apartment or buy a house in the future... things I really would like to do soon!
There are many different sites that can help you find the perfect credit card for you. Some credit cards are great for letting you earn rewards, and some donate money to your favorite charity, and some are perfect for people who love to travel a lot. If you live in the UK and need a credit card, you might want to start your search here!

Angel's Weirdest Moment Of the Day

2007-09-24T23:34:13Z

Dear everyone,
Here comes a very strange story that happened to me today!
I have been trying to get an appointment at this place in Chicago, the ADD Center, which is supposed to be really good at helping people with ADHD. They don't just hand you medication and tell you to check back in a few months, like the other doctors I've seen. They offer things like social skills training, therapy groups, assistance with money management, organizational help, etc.
For the longest time I've been trying to get an appointment with them. I've called several times and left messages in every single voicemail box I could get through to, I emailed them, and I filled out their online "for more info" form. But they never got back to me!
After several months went by, I decided, "Shee-yit. Lemme just go down there and see what this is alla bout."
So today after school I drove to the nearest train station, got on a train, and rode to downtown Chicago. I then walked about a mile, found the right building, used their very odd digital directory to find the right office, and took the elevator up to the eighth floor where the ADD Center was located.
When I went in, it was just a very tiny waiting room (about the size of my bathroom) and then a locked door.
I thought to myself, "Well, this is weird!"
Then I saw this little speaker box with a note taped to it that said, "Press the call button ONCE!"
So I pressed it ONCE and then sat down to read a magazine called "ATTENTION!"
Okay.
So some time went by, and just as I was thinking of pressing the call button again and wondering if I'd get in trouble for pushing it more than ONCE, the locked door opened up, and a man came out. He said, "Hi, come on in!"
"Uh... okay!" I hadn't expected to be invited in already... I had expected, if anything, to be allowed to speak with a receptionist or something and set up an appointment. I gave the man a strange look, but he ushered me into his office.
"Nichole, right?" he said, probably because I kept looking at him strangely.
When he said my name, I turned around and stared blatantly at him. "How'd you know that?"
"Because I knew you were coming," he said.
"But how did you know I was coming?" I was shocked, because I had only made the decision this morning, myself.
"YOu emailed me," said the good doctor.
Well, that WAS true... I had emailed him a few weeks ago, but...
"How did you know I was coming TODAY?"
Now he was the one looking at me strangely. "You told me you would be coming on Monday."
"I did?" I was alarmingly confused. But I decided to go with the flow. "Okay!"
I sat down on his couch and he pulled out an envelope. "I have your report right here," he said.
"Wait a minute..." I held up my hands to stop him. "Are you sure I'm the right Nichole? I think I'm the wrong Nichole. I'm Nichole MANN!"
"Wrong Nichole?" The man looked perplexed. "Two Nicholes? Did you have an appointment today too?"
"No," I said. "I kept trying to call and email and call and email and nobody ever got back to me, so I just got on a train and came down here to try to make an appointment in person!"
"Oh," he said. "Well, that's very strange."

Anyway, I guess the important part is, I have an appointment for this Thursday at noon... and I guess he won't be ignoring any more of MY phonecalls!

With love,
from Angel

Angel At Work

2007-09-23T19:36:37Z

Dear everyone,
Working at my job can be very sad sometimes. On the Skilled Nursing side, I often get the feeling that people are just sitting there, waiting impatiently for their lives to end.
One woman named Maryanne is the sweetest woman in the world. She raised six sons as a single parent, and also spent some time as a nun. When you meet her, you may think that she is a little slow-witted, because of her slow way of speaking, and the large smile she always has on her face. (Why is it so easy to assume that happy people aren't particularly smart?) But when you talk to her, you learn that she actually is EXTREMELY smart, or at least she was when she was younger! She used to work at Maryville, with kids with behavior disorders, and all of the big tough boys adored her. It is sad when Maryanne sits there and says to me, "I hate this place! I only want to be treated with a little bit of dignity!"
Another woman, who is 100, prays when she thinks nobody can hear her, "Please God, get me out of here, before my grandchildren see me this way!" Later, as I help her get into her bed, one minute she jokes that I should cut off her sore leg and throw it away, and the next minute she cries out in frustration, "Why doesn't He just kill me and be done with it!"
A woman who can barely speak any longer because of her advanced Alzheimers will sometimes blurt out random sentences. She loves when I push her around in her wheelchair, and reaches out for me when I come into the room. Yesterday when I went to greet her and hold her hand, the random sentence she blurted out was, "I don't think I'll live much longer."
A man who also has advanced Alzheimers longs for his wife, who lives near by and comes to visit him once or twice a day. Sometimes he thinks I am her, and says to me, "I've been waiting for you! I missed you! I don't want to watch TV, I just want to look at you!" When I tell him who I am, and say, "I think you're looking for your wife, huh," he nods sadly. (Although other times he calls me by my name, and says, "I like to see you!")
Another man, who is usually sharp-witted, has lost all of his motivation to do anything but sit in the corner and stare at the wall every day. When invited to do activities, he refuses. He just wants to sit in the corner and do nothing.
And yet another man, when his wife comes to visit, cries, "I've become a burden! I'm living too long, aren't I?"
I love to sit and talk with them, because when you talk to them they have so many stories to tell and so many things to say. But it is sad, because of the feeling that they are telling their life stories as if those life stories are over. Like, "I did all this, but now there is nothing left for me to do but sit here."

Another strange thing I have noticed about my work is that, both on the Skilled Nursing side and on the Independent Living side, it is almost 100% white people. Some have Italian or French or German accents, but not a single one of them is Black or Hispanic or anything else. (Actually, there is one Cantonese man on the Skilled side, and one Indian guy who I have never met.) I wonder why this is. I live in an area where there are especially a whole lot of Hispanic people, and many African American people also. So where do they go when they get older? Is it because they tend to bring their older family members to live with them instead?

Also, the place I work at is a pretty good facility. Although the Skilled Nursing side has some shortcomings, it is pretty clean and MOST of the staff are very nice people who try really hard to treat everyone well. But I've heard some awful things about other places! One woman who was at my Skilled Nursing place after a fall, said that the last time she fell down and had to go to a nursing home, she was sent to a different place where the care was much worst. She said that one night she woke up and saw one of the aides rifling through her roommate's drawers, taking jewelry. When she asked what the aide was doing, he told her, "Never mind, go back to sleep, its none of your business." She also saw that aide roughly treating the roommate, who was too ill to speak.

Well I am about to have a hypoglucemic fainting spell so I better go. (I can feel myself getting cold and shaky!)

Goodbye for now!

With love, from Angel

Commercial Break: Inspirational Blog

2007-09-23T19:14:56Z

The following is a sponsored post. Enjoy!

I found a blog today that is pretty inspirational and interesting! It is written by Karl Moore, who is a best-selling author and entrepreneur. (You can find out more about him at his personal website.) Karl Moore posts an inspirational message each day. The message can be anything from a little graphic of a quote by Winston Churchhill ("If you're going through hell,keep going...") to a recommendation of another inspirational book, to a story about something that happened in his own life. Plus, each Monday he posts an idea for a Random Act Of Kindness that you can easily do in your own time. And on Fridays, he posts a "factoid", where you get to learn something totally off the wall. For instance, you may learn that it has been scientifically proven that beer tastes best when drunk while listening to a certain musical tone, and that the specific musical tone needed is different for each beer.
Karl's blog is a really unique piece of work, something you certainly don't find every day! I recommend you add it to your blogroll ASAP!

Angel's Trip To The Doctor

2007-09-20T21:52:26Z

Dear everyone,
I am going to post something today that I know all but one of my readers are mature enough to handle. If you are that one immature reader, you already know I don't like you knowing my business, and I don't even know if you still read this, but if you do, DO NOT EVER mention this subject to me. The rest of you, feel free to read on... ( feel like I SHOULD be able to write about things like this in my blog if I want to, don't you? I mean, its not like any of YOU are going to, I dunno, be all sick about it! Its just medical information. If only that ONE READER would go away...)

You may remember that way back in May I went to the hospital because of my insanely heavy period.
At the time, the doctor kept pressuring me to go to the OB-GYN for a pelvic exam, but I was very reluctant to. I really hate going to ANY sort of doctor, and the OB-GYN was a particularly nerve-wracking one for me, because I have a lot of anxiety related to things that have happened to me in the past. Everyone was like, "You gotta go get it done, you gotta go get it done," because all sorts of things could be wrong and I could never ifn dout about it.
Caroline even recommended her own baby doctor to me, who she thought was extremely nice.
Well, months later, after my period made its rude appearance at Camp To Belong AND at Disney World, I bit the bullet and decided to make an appointment. Ironically I couldn't find the card that Caroline had written her doctor's name on, so I just made an appointment with ANY doctor at that particular clinic. Later on I found the card Caroline had gave me, so I was going to change my appointment, but then I read that the doctor I had ended up with had previously worked at a crisis center for victims of sexual assault, so I figured she'd be sensitive to my needs.
And I was right! The doctor was very, very, very, very, very, nice and never once made me feel foolish.
I even brought Chumbawamba with me as a comfort item! So now Chumba has not onyl been homeless, been in hot tubs, smoked cigarettes and weed, drank beer, slept in homeless shelters, etc, but he has also been to the OB-GYN!
ANyway... I actually got through the whole exam WITHOUT taking the anti-anxiety pills that I had brought along in case I got too overwhelmed, and WITHOUT having to ask my mom or Caroline to come with me! I was able to conquer my anxiety all on my own! (Well, on my own except for Chumba!)
I did find out one of the reasons why in the past it has been difficult for doctors to give me a pelvic exam (besides the fact that I was always too anxious to relax) and why it feels very uncomfortable for me to try to use a tampon, etc. It is because... my CERVIX is SLANTED! Lovely, isn't it? I have a slanty reproductive organ.
Thats over though, and I feel pretty proud of myself for having gone through it all on my own! I went out immediately thereafter and went to the mall and rewarded myself with a slice of pizza and an ice cream cone!

With love,
from Angel

Lots and Lots of Quizzes!

2007-09-20T21:26:37Z

The following is a sponsored post. Enjoy!
Like I've said before, I think its fun to take online quizzes and personality tests, and I'm always thrilled when I find a new quiz zite! Part of the fun of taking quizzes is being able to post the quizzes or your results on your own website, blog, or Myspace page! You can do all that and more at this new site I found, created mainly for making MySpace quizzes. (Of course, you can post these quizzes ANYWHERE that takes html codes!)
This site is also great if you want to post polls. You can create your own polls, have people vote on the topic of your choice, and then display the results!
Check this out...

Did you know that you can post Quibblo quizzes in your MySpace profile?

Survey by Quibblo

Have fun, quizzers!

My Trip To Disney World

2007-09-18T17:39:53Z

Dear everyone,
Hello! I am feeling much better today... mainly because I finally have a day off in which to get some laundry, homework and blogging done! I remembered I never posted my photos of Disney World, so I thought I'd do that today finally!
I also ordered prints of them. When I was at Disney World, as a suvenire I bought a little Disney-themed photo album, and I am going to put the prints in there so I will always have a special momento of my favorite vacation!
My mom said we might be able to go again next year... I wish we could go sooner!
She is so lucky because for her work she is actually going back to Disney World THIS WEEK for a conference! But it won't be the same without me there. I am a great person to go to Disney World with. Anyone who wants to go to Disney World should always bring me, because I rock!

Commercial Break: Scholarship Search

2007-09-18T17:07:08Z

The following is a sponsored post. Enjoy!
I remember when I was first starting to think about going back to college, but I was trying to figure out how on Earth I was going to pay for it! It turns out that there are a lot of different scholarships available. Even if you don't qualify for financial aid through the typical state aid programs like Pell Grants and things like that (many people don't qualify because their income or the income of their parents are too high) you may be able to qualify for a variety of private scholarships. A lot of businesses and organizations give away scholarships that have something to do with that business. For instance, an art store might give away a scholarship to someone who wants to study art.
I found this site online where you can fill out scholarship applications. You have to sign up with all of your information, such as the state you live in and the schools you're interested in. Then, after you fill in your info, they give you a list of scholarships that you may qualify for! You can apply for a few of them, or all of them! The more scholarships you appy for, the better chances you have of funding your education!
Good luck, scholars!

Aggravated Angel

2007-09-17T16:55:20Z

Dear everyone,
I am having a sad day.
I hate my school. I hate driving an hour to get here and then driving an hour back, in construction almost the whole way. I hate the fact that my backpack (which I weighed in order to be factual) is 25 pounds, and I literally cannot carry it on my back for long, so I have to use my old wheelie backpack, which makes me feel like an idiot, plus it tips over every five minues, slowing me down significantly.
I hate that my math class is so crowded, I cannot get a seat. I have to rush there from my Spanish class, and if I am lucky I can wedge into a seat in the back, where I can see nothing.
I hate that my job seems to think that if I am not at school or sleeping, I should be at work. I hate that they scheduled me today to work from 3 to 9, even though there are no activities scheduled between 6 to 9 and everyone in Skilled Nursing is either sleeping or getting ready for bed. I'm supposed to just somehow look busy for those three hours. And those are three hours in which I cannot be doing anything else, such as the homework I need to catch up on.
I hate that I have to work every weekend now. I was so excited when I quit my last job, because I thought, "Yay, I have my Saturdays back!" But now I must work every Friday night until 8, every Saturday all day, and sometimes on Sundays.
I hate that I haven't been able to see any of the kids, or Caroline, for an alarmingly long time... because I can't get a minute!
I hste that I haven't even been able to schedule time to do my laundry, and so today I am wearing my black corderoys for the third day in a row, and a brown shirt because it is the last non-sleeveless, non-T-shirt article of clothing I have in my drawer.
I hate that I do not, and never will, belong everywhere.
I hate that I want to get Mandy and Sarah-Jo and Alexander and Codie next weekend, but I am still afraid of facing the Assgrabber. It still makes me sick what he said about Caroline... literally sick to my stomach.
I hate that the Assgrabber keeps trying to invite me to go places with him and the girls... apparently thinking that he can gradually change it from me and the girls hanging out with Caroline and them, to me hanging out with him and the girls.
I hate that, since I have refused all of these invitations, the girls ended up not going to any of the places the Assgrabber had told them they'd go to. For instanc, he told them for weeks that he and I would take them for a hotel weekend at some "Frogfest" but when he asked me about it, I said I had to work, which I did. (I could have called in sick I guess, but the thought of spending the night in a hotel room with the Assgrabber repulsed me!)
I hate that I disappoint so many people.
I hate that so many people have the power to reject me... and they make full use of that power!
I hate that NOBODY has been returning my emails or calls lately... Not the Kiwanis, which I was trying to get information about because I thought... in the dream world where I had free time... it might be nice to join a club and do stuff. Not the ADD Center, which I have been calling, emailing, telegramming, carrier-pigeoning, etc, to try to get them to call me back about making an appointment. Not Maryville, which I had wanted to do some volunteer work at for one of my classes. Not even Caroline has emailed me back! I am afraid I might be invisible.
I hate that I am 28 years old and this is still my life.
I hate being me. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT! I wanna be someone else.

With love,
from Angel

Commercial Break: Car Vacuum

2007-09-11T23:52:34Z

The following is a sponsored post. Enjoy!

The other day, I tried to clean my car out. OK, it was DISGUSTING! I thought all I would have to do is toss out all the loose papers and fast food wrappers and junk, and pile all the kids' toys into the car seat to create the illusion of neatness. But once I finished doing that, it was obvious that the floors themselves were filthy! Months of children eating in the car and dropping crumbs everywhere had definitely taken a toll on my poor car.
I thought about vacuuming my car out... but it seemed like a big hassle. I could either drive to one of those drive-through places where you park your car next to a big vacuum cleaner and keep pumping quarters in until your car is clean... or I could go into my mom's basement, dig out the shop vac from a spidery corner, drag it upstairs and outside, and figure out how to work it.
Man, I wish I had a car vacuum right in my garage! That would be so convenient, wouldn't it? I could clean out my car every day, if I wanted to!
Hmm... something to think about...

Angel Is Back From Disney World

2007-09-10T16:37:33Z

Dear everyone,
Well, I am back from my whirlwind tour of Disney World! IT WAS GREAT! Our flight there left on Thursday morning at about 6 am, so we were able to get almost a full day in on Thursday, plus two full days on Friday and Saturday. By Sunday morning, when we left to come back home, we were exhausted... but I was still so sad to leave!
Here are some of the highlights of the vacation.
Coolest Rides: Space Mountain, Expedition Everest, Soarin', and Test Track.
Everyone knows what Space Mountain is probably... it is very cool! I went on it twice! The second time, I was in the front car! Expedition Everest is one in which you spend part of the time going backwards, with a Yeti chasing you. Soarin' is a virtual reality ride, in which you fly over California and feel the breeze and smell the smells and everything else! I got to be in the front row for that one, so it was awesome! And Test Track was one where you are riding in a car like a crash test dummy. OPh yeah, also Mission Space, another virtual reality ride where you operate a space ship! Very cool!

Coolest Shows: I loved Turtle Talk With Crush, where Crush, from "Finding Nemo", comes on a movie screen... but he can actually interact with you! Somehow he sees and hears the audience and has whole conversations with everyone. So weird! Also Mickey's Harmonics, which is a 3-D movie where you also experience things like smells and feelings. Awesome!

Weirdest Ride: We went on Small World twice. The first time we went on it was a little strange. Somehow they had timed the boats all wrong, and the boats kept crashing into each other! So you're supposed to be on this euphoric ride through the world, and meanwhile your boat keeps crashing into the boat in front of you, and being rear-ended by the boat in back of you! Pretty soon there was a ten-boat pileup and none of the boats could go forward, so we were stranded in Iceland for about ten minutes. Then the people in the boat behind us began clapping in time to the music. It was like Small World From Hell! But we still went on it again!

Lamest Ride: Snow White's Scary Adventures. Not scary at all! Nothing happened!

Biggest Bummer: The Haunted Mansion was closed for repairs! I was REALLY looking forward to that ride!

Best Food: We went to a character breakfast at the Crystal Palace. It was with the characters from Winnie the Pooh. The cool thing was that you just sit at your table, and the characters make their way around to you, so you don't have to walk around and try to search for them and stand in line and stuff. I got my picture taken with Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Piglet and Eeyore! (Owl, Rabbit, and Kanga and Roo weren't there!) Also, the food is AMAZING! If you ever go there, try the Puffed French Toast!

Worst FOod: Pecos Bill's Cafe. Disgusting gray hamburger. Yuck!

Silliest Experience: One of the days, in between parks, we went swimming at our hotel. Since it is Florida, all of the pools are outside. There is a big pool with a water slide and stuff, but it is usually overrun with little kids, so we went in the Hidden Springs pool. I was swimming, and my mom was just sunbathing. Even though there was no sun! It started to rain, and I got out, but then I realized, "Hmm, I'm already wet!" Plus, the water in the pool was WAY warmer than the rain! So I jumped back in and swam in the rain for a while. It was fun to do the backfloat in the rain! But then it started to DOWNPOUR, soon joined by thunder and lightening. We had to run back to the hotel in the rain! Since we were in the Hidden Springs pool, we actually had to run for about ten minutes!!! It was fun though!

Learning Experience: I never knew my mom is afraid of rides. She shared this with me as we got on Thunder Mountain (which, by the way, I thought was rather lame). She was like, "You know I hate these things, right?" I was like, "Hmm, I was NOT aware of that!" I mean, when I was a little kid and was afraid of rides, she was always making fun of me and trying to pressure me to go on them! But now, there were even some rollercoasters she refused to go on! For instance, we didn't go on the huge Rock N Roll Rollercoaster. But she did go on Space Mountain twice!

Interesting Experience: When we first checked into our room, we were going to put our Ipods, and my mom's laptop, in the safe. My mom opened it up, and found six hundred dollars in an envelope inside! We were like, "DAAAAANG!" But my mom insisted on turning all that money into the front desk. In return, the hotel staff surprised us with a basket of potato chips, candy, and other snacks. It was cool... but the six hundred bucks would have been nicer!

AT ANY RATE... Disney World was the MOST fun I ever had! Caroline was right, it WAS a magical experience! The weird thing was, I was with my mom... someone I have always had a very strange and turbulent relationship with... and we both seriously had TOTAL FUN the ENTIRE TIME! We were constantly laughing and it was like we were BFF! We got Fast Passes, which means when there is a long line for a ride, you just sign up to come back in an hour, and then you get to go to the front of the line! We had it down to a science, where we'd run and get a fast pass for a ride we really wanted to go on, and then spend an hour going on a few smaller rides, and then come back and jump on the big ride! Plus, it was off season, so it wasn't as crowded as usual. We were just jumping on rides the whole time and then getting off and being all exhilerated! Plus, my mom surprised me because she was all about getting extra snacks and stuff. Usually I would be wanting a snack and my mom or someone else would be saying, "No," because they don't want to spend the money or whatever. This time, it was my mom who kept saying, "Mmmm, lets get ice cream! Lets get popsicles! Do you want a drink?"
Being at Disney is different from being at a regular theme park, because it is like a theatrical experience that has been set up just for your enjoyment. For instance if you go to Great America most of the workers are lethargic teenagers or grouchy people who barely look at you. At Disney, every worker (they are actually called "cast members") is smiling and friendly at all times. It is so clean and bright and colorful, and around every corner is a new surprise or something meant to dazzle you! The light parade and the fireworks at the end were like nothing I had ever seen before. Even when we were exhausted, we were never in foul moods... we were just tired, but it was part of the experience, and we were just happy to be there.
I was so sad on Sunday when it was time to leave... not just because we were leaving Disney World, the Happiest Place On Earth, but because I felt like I had found the Mom I had always wanted. Never once had she been cranky or controlling to me. And for my part, never once had I been anxious and oversensitive.
Another weird thing was that, through my mom's work we had gotten these two-day parkhopper passes. Its a little card and you have to keep it with you at all times so you can get into any park you want, and you also use it to get Fast Passes. So one day we had ridden the bus all the way to Animal Kingdom, and then my mom realized she couldn't find her card. She was freaking out, even saying she felt like she was going to be sick! She was like, "Oh my God, I'm so sorry, you should be screaming at me!" And I was the one calming HER down, saying, "Its okay. I do that kind of thing all the time! Everything is computerized, so we can probably just go to the window and they can print you a new ticket. Anyway the worst that would happen is we could go back to the room and find your ticket!" The people at guest services at Animal Kingdom actually were able to print her a new parkhopper card. My mom was MORTIFIED! She even said, "YOu can never tell your dad about this!" And she was SERIOUS! It was really weird to see that the personality my mom usually plays off as perfection, is actually almost a disorder in itself!
So. I mean, it really was magic. But as we got on the plane and got closer and closer to being home, I could feel the spell wearing off. By the time we got back to the house, my mom had already yelled at me about not wanting to stay in the car while she stopped and visited a friend who was staying at a near by hotel (I wanted to go in because I had to go to the bathroom, but she wanted me to stay out in the car) and then at the house she was snapping at me about the smae old things, like leaving my suvenieres on the table, and having a skirt hung up in the basement that had been there since last week.
I was having tears in my eyes... Not only did I miss Disney World, but now I missed my NEW mom! I was back with the OLD mom again!
It is so weird...

Anyway, I LOVED Disney World... it really is magic... and I already miss it! I got suvenires for the kids. I got ALexander, Codie, Mandy and Sarah=Jo each slider bracelets, which are like charm bracelets but instead are a wristband which you slide the charms on. Its not as girly or fragile as charm bracelets so I hope Alexander will like it too! And I got Pufferfish a... fish. Actually its a little squishy Nemo. For myself, I got a photo album, and when we get all our pictures printed out, I'm going to put them in the special album, so I can keep it forever to remind me of the magic!

::sigh:: But I hate coming home... My life feels so empty here!

With love, From Angel

Commercial Break: Faucets!

2007-09-10T15:56:46Z

The following is a sponsored post. Enjoy!

If you're like most people, you don't think a whole lot about faucets when you're thinking about how you decorate your house. If you're decorating a bathroom, you probably pick out a shower curtain you like, and then perhaps a matching bathmat, a decorative soap pump, maybe one of those padded toilet seats. But why neglect the faucet?
When I was a kid, I remember going to friends' houses and being fascinated by bathroom faucets that released the water ina cool spiraling pattern. I have to admit, I still love those faucets, and when I go to someone's house and they have a faucet like that, I associate it with classiness.
There are bar faucets, the tall kind that look like an upside-down J, making it easy to rinse out shampoo bottles and stuff. There are the kind that come with a little sprayer thing that help you wash the dishes or even wash a child's hair in the sink! The faucet possibilities are endless. What types of faucets do you like?

Bye again!

2007-09-05T19:23:40Z

Bye everyone! I'm going to Disney Land! Uhh... I mean Disney World. See ya on MOnday!

With love,
from Angel

	Heck Yah! I have done it
	I know, but haven't done it
	Yes, but it didn't work
	Really? Cool, I will try it
	Didn't know, don't care